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Obama Reaches out to Mosquitoes

June 21, 2009 Barack Hussein Obama, Humor View Comments

By Sid Bridge of The Endive

President Obama reassured a packed house at Cairo University today that the United States is not at war with Mosquitoes.

“There are millions of mosquitoes in America,” said the President, “They are peaceful insects. We have a responsibility not to let the radical views of a few extremist, neck-biting mosquitoes stop progress towards meaningful dialogue.”

The President went on to praise the contributions of mosquitoes to world history and present society.

“Mosquitoes are in part responsible for much of our intellectual advancement over the years,” said Obama, “It was mosquitoes who started the renaissance. It was mosquitoes who brought us the internal combustion engine. It was mosquitoes who crammed aboard the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria to help trail-blaze the foundation of my great country.”

The President also touched on his personal history and connection to mosquitoes.

“Indeed, I descend partly from mosquitoes,” said Obama, “Although I am an endoskeletal being, I cannot forget my origins. Nor can I forget the time I spent in Indonesia, when at the crack of dawn, I heard the familiar buzzing of my mosquito brethren, deeply engaged in their trademark meditations before the daily food procurement.”

An attempt was also made to build an understanding of the history Americans have had with mosquitoes.

“I don’t want mosquitoes to shape their opinions of Americans by the acts of people still sore over malaria and Asiatic flu,” said Obama, “It caused us to do things that we shouldn’t have done. We committed certain atrocities with DDT and rolled-up newspapers. We have eliminated DDT and we are committed to eliminating rolled-up newspapers. In fact, we are trying to eliminate newspapers altogether.”

The President said he looked forward to peace.

“I look forward to peace,” said the President, “That means that both sides will have to be frank and make real concessions. Mosquitoes will have to recognize the rights of mammals to keep blood inside of their bodies. Mammals will have to cut off eight of their fingers and give them to the mosquitoes who so desperately need severed fingers. Until these goals are met, peace is but a dream.”

Finally, the President started throwing money at all of the mosquitoes in attendance.

“Here, have some cash,” said the President, “We’re also going to chip in several billion dollars to help with all your humanitarian causes. We’ve got money to put into your education system, your infrastructure, your security, and those lead-lined proboscises you wanted to help accomplish some goal I don’t quite understand. Take the money. We’ve got tons of it. We printed it ourselves.”

Americans and mosquitoes hailed Obama’s speech as something that needed to be said in order to ease tensions between mosquitoes and mammals.

“I’m so glad the President gave this speech,” said Sally Wainwright of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, “Now mosquitoes are going to start being nice to us. I think I’m going to hug the next one I see!”

Sid Bridge is the author of the site The Endive.

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